Category Archives: The Move

There’s more to me than..


WordPress introduced me to a new blog this afternoon. The War in My Brain (http://meganhasocd.com/) – love it! Another off her rocker type  – I hope that doesn’t offend her – I love being off my rocker!

Any-who

I am stealing her topic “There’s more to me than OCD”….because I want to write but have no original ideas to write about and I can not sleep… to let anyone who doesn’t know, there is more to me than bipolar disorder… you may get more than her 20…

1.My favorite book is Through a Dog’s Eyes.. parts made me laugh, parts made me cry and most of it was very inspirational to me.

2. I have read 3/4 of  Marley and Me and will never read the rest (nor will I see the entire movie – I walked out about the same spot as I quit reading) I don’t deal well with death. (and why does every dog movie/book end with the dog dying? ie: Marley, Old Yeller, one of the dogs in Through a Dogs Eyes, Racing in the Rain, Amazing Gracie… isn’t there a book out there SOMEWHERE that tells of a inspiring dog story and the dog lives?)

3. I don’t deal well with death. I have never been to my father’s grave site. I went to a funeral for my sister in law’s mother, and I couldn’t stay – and I had only met her once, briefly.

4. My favorite show of all time is M*A*S*H – I have seen every episode at least 10 times, and my favorites are the later seasons with Col. Potter and Hunnicutt  My dad and I watched it together every afternoon.

5.I try very hard not to let people see me cry. I think it is a sign of weakness. I also only cry when I mad, not when I am sad. I tend to just retreat to myself and tune out the world when I am sad.

6. I tell everyone, often, that I love them – except my mother. All I can figure is it wasn’t a word that we said in our home growing up, so I suppose it still makes me uncomfortable. I remember my dad telling me once he loved me and was proud of me – but I knew he did and always was, so it is ok. I know that because she is sick, I should more often…

7. I love my father-in-laws sense of humor. For the most part, I think that may be one reason we have gotten along so well over these 18 1/2 years, we both have a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor. My husband too, shares this, but you don’t hear it often. 😦

8.My husband rarely talks.. we are polar opposites – I talk all the time and am a social butterfly, he is very quiet and I believe he is happiest at home. We are proof that opposites attract.

9. The school system wanted me to start school at 3. Mom said no. I want to kick mom. or thank her…everything for a reason..

10.I could sit for hours and stare at my dogs, wondering what they are thinking and dreaming.

11. I will give a panhandler food and water, but never money. In my area, we have one with 2 dogs and I plan to put a bag of dogfood in the van so I can give it to him the next time I see him.

12. I believe in doing random acts of kindness – and not telling anyone because I do it because it is the right thing to do, not because I want praise for it.

13. I would give many people the shirt off my back if they needed it.

14.I no longer wear my wedding/engagement ring and I HATE IT! I have gained weight and it doesn’t fit. I refuse to have it sized – I am determined to loose weight so that it fits again..(as of 4/12/13- I am 10 pounds down!)

15. I think it is cool I have a passport..but I really have no interest in visiting another country. I would follow my husband anywhere he goes,so if he wants to – I’ll go.

16. My husband and I have been together 18 1/2 years almost to the day – sorta, if you include the time we were “just friends”, yet, I still get butterflies and goosebumps every day when he comes home from work. I want to run and jump in his arms to say “I am so glad you are home! I love you and am so happy you let me choose you!”

17.I actually asked him to set me up with his brother before we started dating. Thank God he didn’t – that would been a nightmare (not to mention he had just started dating his wife, whom I consider a great friend!)

18. I do NOT believe in ghosts.

19. I am jealous of many of my friends lives, as they have careers and not just jobs ..though I do remind myself that we all have problems, some, unlike me, are just not as open to the world (of facebook which is how I communicate with my friends) as I am..

20. I LOVE Kenny Chesney – oh, wait – you probably DO know that! Did you know there have been days that, without his music, I may not have made it?

21. I have never been suicidal – wanna know why? Because I am afraid no one would come to my funeral!

22. I only slightly regret not having a traditional wedding…I do miss the wedding dress, but that’s it. Otherwise, I love the fact that it was a time for just the two of us – my only true regret with that is we did it when Justin couldn’t be involved and I terribly regret that.

23. I truly think when I get ‘old’ I am going to be the dog lady. (You now, like the cat lady who hoards cats? But I am going to have dogs..)

24. I do not want the typical funeral – I do not want everyone standing around crying..I want a party..with lemondrop shots at the foot of my casket – you come to see me, you do a shot! (lol) I want “Somewhere over the Rainbow” by IZ (click link to play) , “Don’t Worry, Be happy” and “Everybody Wants to Got to Heaven” played. I want a party at the gravesite and I threaten often that I want to be buried at night – you know who your true friends are then 😉 and remember – I don’t believe in ghosts. I just believe the saddness is not for the dead but for the living, who will miss (the dead person)..I want everyone to party and be happy that I am in the promised land (Lord, I hope and pray!) and they will see me again..just not SOON I hope..

Ok, it is 3:00 AM..that is in the morning , you know? I think I shall spell check, etc and post..hopefully go back to sleep before the 5:30 a.m. alarm goes off…

Well, you know lots of crap about me? How about you?

Your favorite song?

TV show?

What was your favorite DATE with your significant other? (or whoever you were on the date with)

Are you a cat or a dog person? (I ask this as my cat quietly sits on the tv stand watching tv…and my dogs noisily BARK at 3 a.m.)

Man, I have got to go to bed!

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The person who lives upstairs…


I am trying these days, to remind myself, that she is not just a person who lives upstairs. She is not just someone who needs a taxi ride to 15+ doctor’s appts. every week as her health deteriorates. She isn’t just someone who shows up for meals and then leaves without helping to clean up, who spills her sugar and coffee in the early morning and leaves a trail of tissues throughout the house, as if she needs a trail to follow back to her bedroom.

She is all of these things, but she is also, most importantly, my mother. She gave birth to me, she worked hard to give us the things we needed. We didn’t always have much, but we were never cold or hungry.She took care of me during my stupid teenage years. The car accident, my broken hearts and big decisions  that she didn’t agree with, but stood by me anyway.

As both my sister and I had children as teens – obviously neither learning from the other – we never would have made it without the support of my mother and father, They took care of us so that we could take care of our children. and when my bi-polar basket case self wasn’t able to care for my son the way I should have been, she stepped up.

It is becoming more and more difficult these days. I admit there are days when I feel so much pressure and stress that I don’t think all the crazy meds in the world could help me.  There are days I look at the calendar and think “Just one week without a dr. appt would be nice”. There are times I think that this is more stressful than it was living apart from my husband with two very young children while trying to sell a house.

My mother has always said she thinks of me as cold or hard hearted. As my moods go through their daily roller coaster fueled by the bi-polar monster that lives in my brain, I tend to be even more stand offish and cold hearted has turned to ice. She always thinks I am angry, but really, I am just trying to shut it all down or the emotional side is going to get the better of me. I am afraid of how that will turn out..maybe in the corner of the closet sucking my thumb… a straw in a bottle of vodka… find someone to go Thelma and Louise with.

What I do know, though, is that the woman who lives upstairs is my mother – not just someoen who is here to make my life complicated. I know we don’t have much more time with her ..I hope my sons and the rest of our family realize this, too, before it is too late.

I love you mommy.

Lordy, Lordy…look who’s forty..


Not me. Nope. Nuh uh.

Oh, alright, I admit it. Today is not the 15th anniversary of my 25th birthday. Today is my 40th birthday, but you know what? It is just a number. You are only as old as you feel.. some days, I feel 25..and some days, I feel 80! (teenagers and weeks of insomnia will do that to you!)

Who remembers when 40 was old? I remember when my parents were 40’ish. I thought they were so old. Of course, my mom had lived a difficult life, so she always was a little older than her years. I guess maybe I am, too.

But 40 isn’t so old anymore, and I don’t think it is just because we/I am now 40..I think because it is a different world now.

You guys remember when we were teens, say 13, 14? Our parents would drop us at the mall on Friday or Saturday nights and that’s what we did. We had a few dollars for a pretzel or bread sticks at Pizza Hut and we hung out till the mall closed and our parents would pick us up. My 13 year old asked if he could go hang out at the mall a couple of weeks ago with his friends  during the day, at that, and I couldn’t believe I was even hesitant, let alone that I eventually said no. Again, the world is just so different now.

40! Already. Seems like just yesterday I was standing on a chair at Bennigan’s, tapping the salt and pepper shakers and dancing in my chair while the servers/my friends sand the Bennigan’s Happy Birthday song to me…

(except, obviously I am not Grant Miller and youtube did not exist 19 years ago..you know, we barely had color television back then..)

So many things have changed since then. My weight – ha. A year later I met my husband. We had a son. We have lived in 7 different states through out the country. My – OUR – oldest  son is now, at 20, a US Marine. I have two dogs – and no one would have thought – even me – that I would be the dog lover that I am! So much so that I want to own my own doggie day care..that on my bucket list is to spend time at Dog Town.

The one I thought would be my best friend forever, we had been best friends since we were 12..I last spoke to her when I was 26, 13 years ago.  How things change.

I have learned so much through the years …

Complaining doesn’t change a thing. While yes, things could be better, they could always be worse. Look around, be grateful for what you have.

God will never give you more than you can handle. It may feel like it sometimes, but he knows your strength. Trust him.

Money is not the most important thing in life. It helps, but is not the most important. (It is difficult to say and believe this, being unemployed at the moment I am writing..but, it is true. I know it..I just have to remind myself – often.)

Yes, Goose, they have a nicer car than I do. You know what that means? They are deeper in debt than we are.

Yes, I have a big house. You know what that means? We owe the mortgage company a lot more than the family next door with the smaller house. We have a higher electric bill than they do. We have a lot more empty rooms now that we are down to one kid and us than they do.

That you should appreciate you parents while they are here (though that doesn’t mean I can’t complain)…

I have also learned, or rather realized, that our generation had the best childhoods..we had some “technology”..but still played outside and had imagination…

So, Happy 40 to me..and Tiffany (we “met” when we were 15 ‘ish and she stole my boyfriend – we have the same birthday…)…

Too old to be wild and free…too young to be over the hill…