Advice for my sons…

Girls have cooties. Trust me – until you are 30 with a college education, a career, a home of your own and a pre-nuptual agreement.

Be careful who you kiss, because to a girl, a kiss can mean anything, and it often means everything.  Be careful with a girls heart.  Trust me when I say this – where boys are mean, girls are cruel. Girls remember – and they tell their friends.

Be yourself. Don’t follow the crowd. Be original. It’s ok not to always be the funniest or the smartest or the most popular. Believe me, in twenty years, we all remember who was who…and we laugh at how the athletes are now the fat guys with no hair and eventually come to realize that those we thought were nerds, well, they are usually the ones with the secure  jobs and stable families (for the most part I think).  The one we didn’t have the time of day for is the one we wish we had taken the time to get to know.

Do your best in school. I know school sucks. There are so many other things you would rather do with your day. Sleep. Play video games. Play guitar. Watch t.v. but school is your future. School is MONEY. Yep. Without school – you will be in a crappy job, making crappy money, living in a crappy apartment and  driving a crappy car. Gonna get a girl this way? Gonna be happy this way?Umm…hmm..

School is your future. Don’t screw it up.

Be respectful of your parents and even more respectful of your friends parents.

Sex. Don’t do it. Ok – now that I said that- you can’t miss something you haven’t had. I know you are in love and you are going to be together forever – really – see? It’s written on your English folder.  Trust me on this.  I took a survey of 25  people, 10 married their “first” – two are still married. Most divorced within 5 years. So, forever averages 5 years.

Sex. Don’t do it.  Girls are vindictive and spiteful and cruel. Trust me – I am one.  You have sex with the girl. Then a few weeks, months meet someone else. Someone you want  to get to know and go out with so you break up with your girlfriend. Oh…she is crushed. After a few days of world ending crying..she decides to get even. Now, everyone will know, though she never said so, that you were just awful in bed. You have a little ..”penal unit”…and heck, possibly even some terrible disease! (see below) Is it worth it?  Hmm… Oh – and NEVER cheat on a girl – you may think it is better than telling her the truth. You may  think you are  sparing her feelings. No. It is better to be HONEST – it hurts much worse to find out you have been lied to than to be broken up with – or that you are the consolation prize.

Sex. Don’t do it. Here are the clinical reasons. You have your whole life ahead of you. Teen pregnancy is the least of your worries, in my opinion. HIV/AIDS- you can be exposed and if you don’t know you’ve been exposed, you won’t get tested. HIV positive for 10 years and not know it…in the mean time, you are on to the love of your life three or four times…and them as well…

There was an interesting cartoon published in the early days of the AIDS epidemic .. it told the “story” of Dick..showing him in bed with different girls..See Dick with Jane..See Dick with Sue..See Dick with Janet..See Dick With AIDS..See Dick dead.  (Keep in mind, too, that Jane, Sue and Janet have each been with Bob, John and Joe.. do the math…)

HPV- this STD can cause genital warts, though not always.  The biggest – it can cause cervical cancer in women – which can take not only her reproductive ability, but HER LIFE.  It can also cause cancer of the penis – how does comfortable does that sound? There is no test for men. There is no treatment for men. There is no cure for it. Since there is no test for it in men, and no symptoms aside from genital warts, which don’t always occur, it is impossible to know if the you have it.  There are often no symptoms for a woman for a very, very long time. So, she can give it to you just as easy as you can give it to her. Then, we are back to the beginning. You have it and are gonna pass it on. Eventually, to the woman you marry.

Herpes. Wow. Two out of five – that’s 2 out of 5 – people have herpes – but only 1 of them knows it. It can lay dormant for 5 or 6 years, but can be spread even when there is no outbreak.  There is no cure. Herpes is spread both through the genitals and if say, there is a fever blister and then oral contact is made …

I can say Sex. Don’t do it. Till I am blue in the face. Yet, I know  (or at least, I am pretty sure, being that I do not have one) that when the little head takes over the big head goes blank. Condoms are your friend. But she said she’s on the pill. So? Have you not paid attention to the voice over on the television commercials for birth control pills? They don’t protect against STD’s or HIV – so they don’t protect YOU!  YOU have to think of YOUR future and your health. Remember the boy scout motto – always be prepared. Carry a condom with you- always. You never know when that little head is gonna decide to do all the talking. AND if your truly love this girl – you will be concerned with HER health and future as well.

Most girls like romance. Most guys have no clue what they mean by romance. So, my advice? Listen to the love songs. Even those that are sung by men. That’s a great place to start.  Bring her flowers out of the blue. The same for cards – they don’t have to be sappy – funny will do. Just let her know you are thinking of her.  These things are important to a girl.

Drugs are dumb. They get you nowhere but the gutter. Sometimes, people dig there way out of that gutter, but more often, the gutter is where they stay. Just say no. They aren’t cool. They don’t make you cool- what they make you is dumb and a looser.  Cigarettes, too. They make you stink. They make your breathe stink – and kissing a smoker? Blech. Like licking an ashtray. It makes your teeth turn yellow and makes you cough up nasty stuff. It makes you not be able to breathe and your smeller quits working right. Not only that – think of all the money you waste – that you could be spending on your car or your girl…

Yes, women can do anything men can do – don’t doubt it for a second. They are far from the weaker sex. If you doubt this – wait till you see your wife give birth. You will never doubt it again. Yes, women can do anything men can do – but don’t you dare let them. Be a gentleman – she can open her own door – but do it for her. She can lift that box- but lift it for her.  Never wait on her to ask for your help – cause it’s not gonna happen – and after you have waited on her to ask, and she has done it herself – don’t ask her what is wrong when she stomps by and slams the door. I am telling you what is wrong right now. Although we do not NEED your help – a gentleman will offer it – even give it without asking. I am not sure that all women will agree – but I think most SOUTHERN women will – and well, I am a southern woman, and I am writing this for my southern raised sons.

Life is not all sunshine and rainbows – but it doesn’t have to all thunderstorms and horse manure, either. Life is what you make of it. Expect the worst and that is what you will get. Be positive. Do good things and good things will happen to you. Remember that everything happens for a reason. We may not always know the reason, but there is one. Always be grateful the you wake up in the morning and that you have a roof over your head, clothes to wear and food to eat. Not everyone does.

and know that your parents love you no matter what.


2 responses to “Advice for my sons…

  1. Wow!!! I am NEVER having sex again, and I am a 39 year old woman!! No, seriously I need to copy this so Coale can read it in a few years!

  2. Wow, great stuff…………who knew!

    You need to write a book……seriously!


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