I’d done Alot of Things Different..

a beautiful Kenny Chesney song that makes me think, would I?

People say they wouldn’t change a thing..even if they could..

What if I had listened to my mother and not gone out on that rainy March day in 1988? For one thing, I’d still have all ten toes and a few less scars, but what else? At some point, I learned the lesson the accident taught, not right away but eventually. Listen to your mother. Sometimes, she knows what she is talking about. This is a lesson I have been trying to teach my children for some time now, and thanks to my missing toes, I have a visual aid as well! I believe as well that I lived through the accident for some greater purpose than I may ever know. It was more than medical science that saved me. I do believe it was divine intervention. Anytime I begin to doubt my God I remember that hey – I am alive for a reason.Who knows? Maybe one of my children is destined for great things..a cure for cancer..world peace?

What if I had gotten married then? Did I want to be a soldiers wife? At the time, more than anything in the world. We were young. I still had a year left in school. He was in Iraq. We were dealing with things as teens that many adults couldn’t handle. Would we have had 2.5 children, a white picket fence and a 50th wedding anniversary? Maybe. More likely, we would have hated each other in a few years and bitterly divorced. Having recently reconnected after 18 years, he is now one of my BEST friends and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I had gone to the Navy recruiters office with every intention of joining the Navy. This was about a year before I had Justin. What if? I would have been on a boat instead of partying with friends and well, getting pregnant. This is the part of the what if that I am not sure I like – the not having Justin part. Sure, I could have kids after the Navy, but would it still be Justin I pulled from the “baby pool”? Things didn’t work out, and forces beyond my control kept me out of the Navy… I guess that was for the best, as they found a heart condition a few years later.

Here’s a what if that really scares me – what if I hadn’t met Reese? I know I was headed to a bad place before I met him. I was trying to keep one foot in realtiy and having a very difficult time doing so. Although I had to grow up quickly, I was still very immature, living in the adult world. The roller coaster I called life was running way out of control and I give him credit for getting it back on track.I had been on this up and down for so long, and as I met him, I was on a downward spiral and was sure to crash drunk in a gutter or strung out, because I am sure that drugs weren’t far from the next on my list of self destructive behaviors.

But Reese saved me. I truly think that God sent him to save me. He’ll tell you I did it myself, but I know better. I know in my soul that if he hadn’t come along when he did, well..I shudder to think what may have happened. Anyone who knows the details of how we met would probably agree that it was more than just chance.

We have been together for 13 years now. I have grown up and matured. My roller coaster, bi-polar life is now more like a train traveling along a hilly landscape. Sometimes I am at the top of the hill, sometimes in the valley, but never am I jumping the tracks at the speed of light.

Would I have done anything different? Would I change any of these “what if’s”? I think each and every thing we do leads us to where we are. I am pretty happy with the “me” I am now, whoever that is. I love my family, but I do think I want to be more than just a wife and mom..I just hope I figure out what it is before the ride is over…


One response to “I’d done Alot of Things Different..

  1. Beautifully written, makes you think about life’s travels and everyone off ramp you may or may have not take. Sounds like you are a searcher and you are on a road to enlightenment…happy holidays..zman sends

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